This is my second life update on here. I haven’t done one in a while so I thought, ‘Hey, why not?’
I’m not sure how to start this post. I don’t seem to have too awful much to talk about. Sorry, I haven’t posted in a while, my mental health has been all out of wack, but I’ll tell you all about that later in the post.
Nothing too interesting has happened lately, I’m still looking for a job. I’ve tried so hard to find something, thought I had it in the bag a few times, but to no avail. I’m not sure if I’m just not answering questions right when I interview or if it’s because I’m just not qualified enough, or if it’s because I’m trans. I know, I know, “It can’t be because of that! That would be illegal!” you exclaim. I know that it’s probably not the case, but it’s the way I feel. It’s also a fact that trans* individuals do have a harder time trying to get a job than other “normal” people.
I was also in the hospital a few times, since the last time I had updated my blog. The first time was for what we thought was diverticulitis, but turned out to be a severe bladder infection. The second time was for a large bout of IBS caused by my diet and anxiety. Finally, the last visit was for my anxiety/OCD caused by intrusive thoughts. It had just gotten so bad that I had felt like I was going to harm myself and I felt like I was dying. I was having constant panic attacks. Mind you, most hospitals are good with mental health patients… Not this one.
From the second I walked into the hospital, I was having panic attacks. Not once did they give me anything to calm me down. When I corrected the nurses and doctors on my name and pronouns, I got a lecture from one of the nurses about how “the doctors were old and not used to all of this transgender stuff”, which made everything worse. They basically invaded my privacy for 8 hours and sent me home, telling me to do what I was already planning on doing, which was checking up with my doctor and having him refer me to a psychiatrist. Also, the counselor that they sent in to do the psych evaluation knew that I was trans, and didn’t use the right pronouns. NOT. EVEN. ONCE.
A lot of anxiety I’ve been having is from my ROCD (Romantic Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) here is an article about that. I know that my partner is right for me, I’ve known since the minute we met. I just have horrible intrusive thoughts about our relationship, that cause me a ton of stress like: “What if we lose feelings for each other?”, “What if he secretly hates me/is tired of me?”, “What if he leaves me?”. I also constantly worry that finding other people aesthetically attractive is cheating (which I know it isn’t). The intrusive thoughts also like to try and convince me that I have feelings/crushes on people that I literally have no feelings for, which caused me to get off of social media for a while. I also have other intrusive thoughts that are honestly too horrible and gross to get into right now, but you get the point.
Carl (my fiancé) has been right there by my side through all of it though. Taking care of me and helping me with showers. We have been showering together since I have literally been too anxious to even take a shower on my own. Even though we took one together yesterday, I still almost puked because I was anxious and just wanted to get it over with. He’s so patient and kind to me. I love him so much.
On a happier note Carl and I have now been together ten months and we’re still going strong through everything that has been going on. I also started a new medicine that seems to be helping a bit, it’s hard to tell so far because I’m on a very low dose to prevent side effects. I still haven’t figured out the whole psychiatrist thing yet, but I’m going to call again tomorrow and see if they got the doctor’s referral. I’m looking to start writing a novel again, but I have writer’s block that has me running fresh out of ideas. I also went to the store today all by myself to pick up my medicine.
Thanks for reading! I plan on putting up more content soon, so just be patient with me!